- David Mamet
- Lou Costello (wearing a suit and short wide tie)
SCENE: A booth in a Chinese restaurant.
DAVID MAMET is sitting quietly, drinking a scotch.
LOU COSTELLO enters, sees MAMET, and reacts with his catchphrase: Heyyyyyyyyy, Mam-met!
MAMET: I’m here. I’m here. Don’t, the shouting. Don’t.
LOU sits down in the booth.
LOU: You’re running a baseball team now, right?
MAMET: I won the, in a poker game. I won the team in a poker game.
LOU: In a poker game? A baseball team?
MAMET: I had three kings. He had two aces. [Beat.] He lost the thing that matters most to him in the world. Now he has nothing. Now he goes back to work. That’s what a man does. He works.
LOU: Well, I never met the guys on the team, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
MAMET: The names? The names, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you, but–funny names. Peculiar names.
MAMET: Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.
LOU: You’re the owner?
LOU: And you’re–
MAMET: And the manager.
LOU: The manager.
MAMET: And the …
LOU: The …
MAMET: The coach. I’m the coach. The coach too.
LOU: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
MAMET (angrily): You’re saying I don’t know their names? I own the team and I don’t know their names? I manage the team and I don’t know their names? I coach the team and I don’t know their names? What am I? What am I?
LOU: Hey, hey, all I’m saying is–
MAMET: I know their names. I’m telling you their names. Are you listening? I’m talking. I’m telling your their names.
LOU: I’m saying, who’s on first?
LOU: The guy on first.
LOU: I mean the fellow’s name.
LOUL: The first baseman.
MAMET: Yes. Are you listening? Are you hearing me?
LOU: I’m hearing you.
MAMET: No, no, no, listen. Listen. We’re talking here–
LOU: We’re talking.
MAMET: We’re talking. We’re talking about the baseball team.
LOU: We’re speaking about the team.
MAMET: Speaking? Speaking? The hell? The hell? We’re speaking about the team now? Are we actually speaking about it? Or are we just talking?
LOU (hands up, placatingly): We’re just talking. We’re just talking.
MAMET: We’re just talking.
LOU: All right.
MAMET: All right. All right. Jesus. We’re talking.
LOU: But who’s on first?
MAMET: Are you hearing me? Are you hearing me. I don’t think you are. We’re sitting here and I’m talking but you are not [pause, then more calmly] hearing me. Jesus. Yes. Who is on first.
LOU: That’s what I’m asking you!
MAMET: I’m telling you.
LOU: Who is on first.
LOU: How often do you pay the players?
MAMET: Every week.
LOU: When you pay the first baseman, what name do you put on the cheque?
MAMET: Cheque? I don’t pay them with a cheque. I use direct deposit.
LOU: What’s the name on his bank account?
LOU: The first baseman.
MAMET: Yes. Yes.
LOU: Yes is the name on his bank account.
MAMET: What do you, what do you, what is this? I mean what is this? Why do you care how he gets paid? Murray got the account number off a blank cheque. What do I care about his account?
LOU: What was the name on his blank cheque?
MAMET: No, What’s on second.
LOU: I’m not asking you who’s on second!
MAMET: Who’s on first.
LOU: I don’t know.
MAMET: He’s on third.
LOU: Fuck you.